Oh Michael Bay where do I begin? I know you produced a lot of Hollywood blockbusters but most of them are shit loads of monkey crap like Pearl Harbor and just about every f*ckin movie you made. You have the uncanny ability to turn my fondest childhood memories like the Autobots and Decepticons fighting instead you presented us (or me) a lot of stereotypes like what Emmerich does in some of his movies.
I remember back in 2007 when you were announced as director of the upcoming Transformers franchise, I looked back at Bad Boys and the Rock and I hoped that you can match whatever cinematic genius you pulled there to make those movie work. The Transformers hit the theaters back in 2007, I went out happy, despite the constant nagging of my cousin anticipating that I know every move or every dialogue that the character will say. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen came out and boy it was a disappointment, it was nothing more than an eye candy, the Prime(s) being here on Earth defies everything Transformers (then again this is an adaptation), I even got in a debate that he insisted I was “tanga” for saying the first one is better than Revenge, I just smiled and said nothing, rather than insulting his preference I just thought different taste, different preferences. Then Transformers Dark of the Moon came out and boy it was a dud, the acting was bad, the direction, pacing, everything was a disaster not to mention logically this can be the 2nd Transformers movie plot wise just because Sentinel Prime’s desire to enslave humanity and make a new Cybertron out of it and while Revenge on the other hand the Fallen wanted the world destroyed, despite the fact that Megatron is waiting for Sentinel’s arrival for eons.
Let me go straight to the point here and point out the bad things about the movie and believe me there’s a lot of crap of from this movie that you’d rather watch it, make fun of it, continuity, acting, plot, and “science” so bad it even defies Transformers science, heck even Star Trek science about time travel has more sense than the “science” from AoE (Age of Extinction). I like explosions, heck I love watching shit blow up, there was a lot of unnecessary explosions in this film that will put all Rambo films, all Terminator films, Commando, Chuck Norris’ morning jog and The Expendables to shame. One scene in particular where in Optimus was getting his ass handed to him by a being called Lockdown (Wahlberg was helping Optimus in the scene), the 2 other pointless movie characters (with Bumblebee) decided to rescue/help Wahlberg and Optimus and damn the whole scene gets jumble, a lot of shit going on, a lot of shooting going on, then boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom (get used to it) and yes that was one Autobot (Bee) and one laser gun (Wahlberg is holding one) while Optimus is down and pinned (literally). Another thing I need to point out is the damn science of everything, I know it’s a movie and science should be at least bended or be exaggerated, but at least try to make some sense into it, like Back to the Future, Star Wars, Star Trek etc. Here the sci-fi side of Transformers was replaced by some dumb ass science even a sharp 4 year old will notice. For one back in the first 3 movies whenever an Autobot or a Decepticon shoot at someone it blows up or gets destroyed (go see it again), walls, cars, even the ground explodes, tanks etc. In defiance to the laws of science and I guess combat, where in a Transformers shoots a wall then we only see black spots, a Transformer shoots a grassland you only see flames not the soil getting blown up or a leg of a person (maybe) getting torn apart, another mad or should I say the science from this movie features a scene wherein Tucci (more on him later) plays a big time inventor and Billionaire Joshua Joyce asked his employees to build “another Optimus Prime” using……. using……. oh my God……. ok….. using the essence of MEGATRON! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!? Come on, would you clone Marlon Brando using Al Pacino’s or Christopher Reeves’ blood just because he played both Vito Corleone and Jo-El (Pacino is Michael Corleone and Reeves is Kal-El – Superman) in Godfather and Superman? Of course not! The damn little robot’s explanation when the film is in near climax explained it better than the logic behind everything Tucci and his crew have been doing. Another thing is that yes, the Autobots’ appearance MAY brought war and nearly destroyed half of Chicago (whatever happened to Soldier Field, Wrigley, where the White Sox plays and the United Center) as the Decepticons continue to troll them and conquer the Earth, yet countless of times the World was saved thanks to the efforts of Prime and his crew yet they ended up haunting them for bringing pain and suffering, using their “essence” to build Transformers for the US government, it would make better sense if they asked the Autobots to rebuild Chicago, leave and ask sample from their “skin” or metal and the essence of their comrades transferred to a super computer, or even those who still live to combat what could be the remnants of some straggling Decepticons and other threats in the future. Why don’t they just build them a rocket where they can actually leave the World in peace, where the hell did that CIA head meet Lockdown? I know the story was motivated by greed and avarice, but come on the White House’s hand was tied all the time and cannot give the CIA a logical explanation not to hunt down the Autobots because indeed they saved the world countless of times, and the least they could have done is a proper send off. I’m going to tell you how bad some effects are but believe me some of them already jumped the shark. The acting and the script was generic as well, you could still feel that Shia, Megan, Turo Turo, and that chick from Victoria’s Secret was still present, stereotyping was there, Wahlberg’s daughter was horrible, I’m not going to tell you how Wahlberg met his daughter’s boyfriend because it’s stupid and it’s the epitome of lazy acting or perhaps directing. Well to be fair Wahlberg and Tucci stood out as the best part of the movie. Wahlberg (Cade Yeager – wow did they use the Action Star name generator to find a name like this) played a down on his luck inventor trying to make ends meet, it may not be superb but he did a decent job acting in a very bad movie. Tucci was also good, eventhough I felt he was the token John Turo Turo he was funny, witty and can play an asshole (then good guy) really well. Another good part of this movie is the DINOBOTS!!!!!!
Overall AoE was horrible, it may have it’s moments but none of them can save this atrocity, if you like it then good for you, if you’re going to hate me for seeing it as a bad movie then whatever, liking this movie doesn’t make you smarter, hating this movie doesn’t make me intelligent to each his own. But try pondering the science, the plot holes and everything, including the incoherent sequencing, being subtle (yes there was one scene where Optimus arrived and an Autobot started shooting in the air as if telling the CIA, hey I’m here shoot me). The movie defies logic, yes a lot of it does, it defies Science, yes a lot of movies does that, but at least the writers of let say Star Trek, Star Wars, Back to the Future, Lord of the Rings, Tron 1 made an effort on how to put logic in all the silliness and everything. I wish someone pry’s the Transformers out of Bay’s hands and give it to someone who will take it seriously, obviously he buttfucked every damn Autobots and Decepticons, every childhood memory of you watching this cartoon in Channel 9 or 13. Thank you Michael Bay for ruining our childhood. Now go count the money you milked destroying this great franchise. Final Grade 2/10..
SOMEBODY GIVE THIS TO J.J. Abrams.