Yes. I do. A year ago I promised myself no to drink anymore. Why you ask? I told myself if I want to quit smoking, I think and in my opinion that was the first step. Because when I drink cigarette butts would fly all over the place, scatter like dust in the wind. I hate it when I drink, I hate the cold beer drenches my thirst, maybe drown away my problems. Because it can’t quench the thirst that I have inside.
I feel empty, lost, looking for answers and solutions for every question that I have in mind. As I speak I sit in front of my busted up laptop, looking at screen trying to organize the thoughts that fly into my head. Sometimes I’m stuck, stuck at the endless waves of thought rumbling inside my head. And that’s why after months of hiatus I decided to write again, maybe sometimes despair or downing a few bottles help me trying to cope to my dilemma right now.
It all started out with an assurance that was forgotten for some reason, then someone jumped in and slipped right through the trenches. I was distraught, shocked, and felt out of place. I felt like a child losing her mom in a crowded department store, nowhere to go, nowhere to run to, except cry but it seems that even with the help of others I can’t find the right way, perhaps afraid of the circumstances that will follow. Maybe I’m afraid, afraid of the things that might happen, afraid of waking up in a new tomorrow, a dark gloomy one, where ghouls and goblins are out to drag me back into the dark and chain me up. Yes I cried, I shed a tear, afraid, unsure, yet fighting. Fighting a fight that I know I can win, maybe it will tear me apart in the end but sometimes I need to fight in order for me to achieve what I want, or to prove a point. I hate the darkness, its black, its cold, it feels empty.
I hate being pushed away, but sometimes instead of moving on, cutting the connection, you have to keep moving forward, again to prove a point. I hate being pushed away, its painful, it sucks and it can break a person, I know how it feels. But what if fighting would show how much you can strive and prove to someone that you’re strong, and you won’t just fade into black, that might mean much. Pushed away, rejection, I always hated it, never want to experience it again.
Again I hate it when I drink, I hate the feeling of stiffness that sometimes I feel, I hate the way it gives me headaches if I drink too much, I hate it when I had a hard time sleeping because of it. I hate it when its the only thing that makes me sleep.