Its rainy, even nature shares my mood. I’ve never been OK, never been close to it since last August. I can smile, enjoy the usual routine but every day seems like a new kind of pain. I encounter a new kind of loneliness and emptiness.
You see, people tell me to move on, let it be, I’ll meet new people, new reason to smile. They tell me not to be with someone who they felt will drag me down. Their advice was to be with someone that will take to better heights, and will appreciate all my efforts and all my sacrifices. Maybe they’re right, maybe I should move on, carry on and be happy again. Yet, I find myself longing for her everyday, every hour, every minute, every second more.
One day I told them, I never asked for recognition for all those things, I never asked for anything in return just love and may be a bit of loyalty. That’s all I asked for her. That’s all, nothing more. She’s the woman that I love. If I loose her forever then I’d rather be alone for eternity. I am convinced that she’s the woman for me. If I ever get a chance to relive my life a million times then, I’ll find her through heaven or hell in every million lives that will be given to me. I will endure pain, death, war, pestilence, a zombie apocalypse, an alien invasion just to find her. There is no force that stop me from loving her.
Where do I start? I don’t even know where. I can’t even find the words, find the right things to say. I wonder as I stare into a bleak horizon, and ask myself, will I even find the right words. My thoughts are clouded, yet all I can do is wait. I’ve suffered too much, while the other wined and dined in happiness. In pain, I’ve lost myself again. In anguish I’ve lost my will. I don’t know where to find myself.
As I sat here alone, restless and may be helpless. I find myself thinking of her. I find myself thinking of her. I find myself longing for her. I find myself dreaming of her. I did dreamt of her. I did, yes I did. I remember rushing down the stairs not minding how steep they are, not minding the harm it could cause me, and as I finally took my last step I saw her waiting, smiling at me, she was sitting at our wooden sofa, around her was a half dozen throw pillows in different shades or brown. She was wearing a blue dress, the one she wore when we attended a friend’s wedding. I slowly approached her, she stood up, again smiling, she walked towards me, and I noticed she was a bit taller, wearing that shoes that made her an inch and a half taller. I hugged her, told her how beautiful she is and hugged her even more. Then I woke up punching my bed, punching my wall. I woke up crying. I woke up a broken man. I woke up empty, wishing I never woke up, wishing I stayed in that state. I was happy. I was complete. It was taken from me, I had her in my arms, I had her again.
Sometimes I find myself stuck, stuck here in my room thinking of how things could have been different. I sometimes blame myself for all the crap that I’m in and why I’m lost and broken. Even my will is sapped, my confidence broken, I don’t even know what to do, do I wait? Do I make a stand and take action? I guess I have to reflect.