Christmas Did Not Come For Me

Just read a blog, her blog to be exact, well I guess you better read the rest, because there is no need for me to discuss everything that is written. We have a different way of dealing I guess, for me its nothing but emptiness.

For the first time in what I say years, I’m unhappy this Christmas, better yet 2017 has been a nightmare for me. Staying a job that I don’t like, and this being apart and her not listening. I guess she still believes that I don’t have a goal in life, I don’t aspire to be someone who can be successful professionally. Its hard especially for me in the early parts of 2017 when you’re stuck in a hell hole called my previous job. Some colleagues are dicks, management seems confused on some policies and they even threatened my position with the company just because I follow what is written in our guidelines. Why I didn’t leave if you may ask, because I was hesitant to leave her, I don’t want to leave her there. Hell, I had an interview to a job that I want but in the end I flushed it down the drain because I felt that she never supported me, she even called me a coward if I left. Heck, I tried applying to another job behind her back during our days off when I sensed that she’s so stressed out and struggling to keep her sanity in tact. I asked her to leave, give it up, the company is giving her a hard time, some of our colleagues are stressing her out. When I started getting offers I begged her to leave, she never wanted to leave. Once again I was called a coward, as my dreams shatter right before my eyes I stayed with her, I stayed with a bitter feeling, I stayed while dragging my body to work, willing myself to work, I wanted to give up, but I didn’t. I am no coward, I have dreams too, shattered, destroyed, I pick up the pieces and now this.

My dreams are gone, for now, I guess I can always dream again, reach for the stars. It all came tumbling down last August, as she blamed for everything. She does that every episode. I’m sorry if you’re reading this but I’m just frustrated that you failed to see how much I’ve given up, that at times I’m clinging to whatever’s left, my sanity, my soul, my body even time. You can blow off all money I don’t care, you can sell my valuable collections of comics and some action figures for a penny or for a fortune and spend it to buy a new dress, I don’t fucking care, as long as it makes you happy. Here I am a stupid idiot praying and hoping that you see how much I gave up, how much sacrificed, and you dare call me a nobody, a guy who can’t dream, who has no goals in life. Well you’re wrong! You’re bestfriend is wrong, you’re wrong! Because I GAVE UP MY DREAM, MY GOAL FOR YOU! You don’t know that because I didn’t tell you, or you just don’t appreciate what I did.

Again I am an idiot, I still love you, and again I’d rather be alone for the rest of life rather than live a lie with someone!

Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you’re Christmas is not a shitty, pathetic, crappy, full of suffering, empty, and all other bad ways to describe it. Because I’d rather have a Sith lord stick his/her light saber up my ass, while munching on rotten monkey vomit.

I love you Clarisse and I’m not gonna get used to this.

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Holiday Torment

Its a cold day, this time brings a different kind of weather. Its Christmas time, a time of optimism and joy. A time where we can smile and be happy. A time of hope, a time of peace, love and caring. But somehow I cannot feel the spirit of it. This is the first time I can’t even feel it. For the first time in maybe years or ever, I am not looking forward to it.

I wake up everyday with a heavy heart. Every time I open my eyes I feel like its torture, torture that I have to go through all the pain, all day and its not easy. Its not easy, going through the motions, pretending I’m OK but I’m really not. I sometimes find myself sitting somewhere just staring at something but seeing nothing but complete emptiness, even with colorful Christmas decorations and music blaring over loud speakers I still see emptiness. I’m broken, I’m in shambles, forgotten, unappreciated. I guess if you’ve been reading my blog then you know what I’m talking about. Its been like this for the past few months.

I never got a chance to talk to her face to face, we just exchanged messages, somehow she still blames me for her episodes, she blames me for a lot of things and I cannot get my point across, she wouldn’t listen she wouldn’t even give a fuck’s ass whenever I tried to explain things. She wouldn’t listen, mind’s made up. She did blame me for everything, every negative things I’ve done resurfaced without considering how much I’ve given up, how much I sacrificed, never had a chance to say all those things, as if I haven’t done anything positive. It was a whole new level of torment, a torment that eats me away, bothers me, a pain that continues to thrive whenever I wake in the morning.  The kind of torment that makes me wish I never wake up. The kind of pain that I wish she killed me, because I’d rather die than experience all this pain.

People would tell me to give it up, but I’m holding on to whatever hope that is left. No matter how big or small, even a tiny speck of hope is what keeps me sane. If I lose all that then what would life be for me. I hope that one day I turn around, she’s there behind me sleeping, I hope that one day I go home from work and she’s there waiting for me in my bed room. I hope we can be together again, because I’d rather live with her through and face the challenges the world will throw at me, bravely face whatever episodes she will have  and comfort her, I’d rather have an unproductive life with you than be sitting down sun bathing in a resort somewhere with someone and live a lie. If its not her then I’d rather be alone. I won’t let go, never. I’d rather be alone if I’m not with her.

I’ve given everything, and I can still give a lot. If she wants me to change anew, then I’ll change. I love her so much. I love her with all my heart, I don’t want to give up. I’d rather be stuck in this kind of torment.