Its been months since I last posted something, I guess no inspiration came across me. However since I felt anxiety is creeping in, I find the need to express myself, channeling my feelings here. Speak my mind out, perhaps ease it a little bit.
Since I want to write something, I tried scouring the internet for some inspiration. Little did I know that I find it in a blog that I follow (Opionated Man). In one of his latest posts he discussed fear. Fear not of monsters, goblins, demons etcetera but fear of being unable to remember his loved ones, family and friends.
Then it made me ponder of my own fears. Yes, I fear of rejection, condemnation, death, alienation etc. But instead of going through bullet points of every fear that I have, I’d rather discuss 2 fears that I need to overcome immediately. In no particular order.
First is the fear of losing my country. I live in the Philippines. To my foreign visitors or followers if you follow the news, you definitely know what kind of shit we Filipinos are in. A year into President Rodrigo Duterte’s reign of terror, I stayed relatively quiet. I was invited to several Facebook Groups that supported this administration’s propaganda and bloody obliteration of poor people in the guise of the Drug War (I support the War on Drugs but the government’s objectives are shallow, shoot first and ask questions later).
I got sick to the point that I left my Facebook and hence found Twitter as a better way to express my opinions and views. I’m tired that this administration is treating us like simpletons who buys at every BS and propaganda they spit out of their mouths.
Now that our country is in a dawn of the mid-term elections, I’m afraid that my fears may come true. Currently the Administration’s Senatorial candidates are leading the surveys while the opposition is trailing. I fear I haven’t done enough, haven’t joined protest enough, haven’t spoken strong enough.
I just hope that one day my fellow Filipinos realize that love for country is not associated with love for its leaders. No leader is flawless and we owe it to ourselves to criticize, show dissent whenever we can.
Second, well, I thought this was over and done with. I thought we were at the very least “OK”. She showed up at my doorsteps December of last year, I was caught off guard with her arrival. I was happy to see her again, we hugged and talked the moment she sat on my bed. It was a wonderful night full of optimism. As if I’ve forgotten the times I’ve struggled sleeping, dreaming of her every damn night only to be taken away with the cruel reality of waking up. She’s my starlight. I thought my chase was over.
I spent New Year’s eve and the Chinese New Year at their house. We had an understanding that we’d rather take it slow (or something like that) and that I won’t force her into going into relationship. We did what every “couple” would do, we hugged, watched movies together (including Aquaman), cook food and the like. Then all of a sudden its gone.
On my way home, she never replied to any of my texts, ignored some of my calls until she answered and was very cold. I was afraid that it was her episodes acting up again, I was ready to hop to another bus and travel another 3 or 4 hours stay with her. Hence I received a text that she wanted to be alone for a while and she’s not mad at me. I told her I understand and I won’t force her into a relationship. It was gut wrenching, as if my world burned into cinder, flames consuming everything, my strength, my sanity and my life.
What’s making this difficult is I don’t know if I should come over, I don’t know if I come over it won’t trigger her manic side. A side of hers that I once feared, a side of hers that I accepted wholeheartedly a few years ago, no ifs, no buts.
its been a month now, and the longer this takes, the more uneasy it makes me feel. This is where my fear sets in. Before it took over a year and a half before we reconciled, now I find myself wondering if I will be able to hug her, kiss her, be with her again.
I fear that I may face another dark tomorrow. Uncertain of what lies ahead. A brave new world or a city in ruins?
I end this with a song that sums up my feelings towards Fear #2, while it doesn’t capture what exactly I feel right now, the song however or these lines from Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb resonates within me. Thank you for reading.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I’ve got that feeling once again
I can’t explain you wouldn’t understand
This is not who I am
I have become comfortably numb