Christmas Did Not Come For Me

Just read a blog, her blog to be exact, well I guess you better read the rest, because there is no need for me to discuss everything that is written. We have a different way of dealing I guess, for me its nothing but emptiness.

For the first time in what I say years, I’m unhappy this Christmas, better yet 2017 has been a nightmare for me. Staying a job that I don’t like, and this being apart and her not listening. I guess she still believes that I don’t have a goal in life, I don’t aspire to be someone who can be successful professionally. Its hard especially for me in the early parts of 2017 when you’re stuck in a hell hole called my previous job. Some colleagues are dicks, management seems confused on some policies and they even threatened my position with the company just because I follow what is written in our guidelines. Why I didn’t leave if you may ask, because I was hesitant to leave her, I don’t want to leave her there. Hell, I had an interview to a job that I want but in the end I flushed it down the drain because I felt that she never supported me, she even called me a coward if I left. Heck, I tried applying to another job behind her back during our days off when I sensed that she’s so stressed out and struggling to keep her sanity in tact. I asked her to leave, give it up, the company is giving her a hard time, some of our colleagues are stressing her out. When I started getting offers I begged her to leave, she never wanted to leave. Once again I was called a coward, as my dreams shatter right before my eyes I stayed with her, I stayed with a bitter feeling, I stayed while dragging my body to work, willing myself to work, I wanted to give up, but I didn’t. I am no coward, I have dreams too, shattered, destroyed, I pick up the pieces and now this.

My dreams are gone, for now, I guess I can always dream again, reach for the stars. It all came tumbling down last August, as she blamed for everything. She does that every episode. I’m sorry if you’re reading this but I’m just frustrated that you failed to see how much I’ve given up, that at times I’m clinging to whatever’s left, my sanity, my soul, my body even time. You can blow off all money I don’t care, you can sell my valuable collections of comics and some action figures for a penny or for a fortune and spend it to buy a new dress, I don’t fucking care, as long as it makes you happy. Here I am a stupid idiot praying and hoping that you see how much I gave up, how much sacrificed, and you dare call me a nobody, a guy who can’t dream, who has no goals in life. Well you’re wrong! You’re bestfriend is wrong, you’re wrong! Because I GAVE UP MY DREAM, MY GOAL FOR YOU! You don’t know that because I didn’t tell you, or you just don’t appreciate what I did.

Again I am an idiot, I still love you, and again I’d rather be alone for the rest of life rather than live a lie with someone!

Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you’re Christmas is not a shitty, pathetic, crappy, full of suffering, empty, and all other bad ways to describe it. Because I’d rather have a Sith lord stick his/her light saber up my ass, while munching on rotten monkey vomit.

I love you Clarisse and I’m not gonna get used to this.


Holiday Torment

Its a cold day, this time brings a different kind of weather. Its Christmas time, a time of optimism and joy. A time where we can smile and be happy. A time of hope, a time of peace, love and caring. But somehow I cannot feel the spirit of it. This is the first time I can’t even feel it. For the first time in maybe years or ever, I am not looking forward to it.

I wake up everyday with a heavy heart. Every time I open my eyes I feel like its torture, torture that I have to go through all the pain, all day and its not easy. Its not easy, going through the motions, pretending I’m OK but I’m really not. I sometimes find myself sitting somewhere just staring at something but seeing nothing but complete emptiness, even with colorful Christmas decorations and music blaring over loud speakers I still see emptiness. I’m broken, I’m in shambles, forgotten, unappreciated. I guess if you’ve been reading my blog then you know what I’m talking about. Its been like this for the past few months.

I never got a chance to talk to her face to face, we just exchanged messages, somehow she still blames me for her episodes, she blames me for a lot of things and I cannot get my point across, she wouldn’t listen she wouldn’t even give a fuck’s ass whenever I tried to explain things. She wouldn’t listen, mind’s made up. She did blame me for everything, every negative things I’ve done resurfaced without considering how much I’ve given up, how much I sacrificed, never had a chance to say all those things, as if I haven’t done anything positive. It was a whole new level of torment, a torment that eats me away, bothers me, a pain that continues to thrive whenever I wake in the morning.  The kind of torment that makes me wish I never wake up. The kind of pain that I wish she killed me, because I’d rather die than experience all this pain.

People would tell me to give it up, but I’m holding on to whatever hope that is left. No matter how big or small, even a tiny speck of hope is what keeps me sane. If I lose all that then what would life be for me. I hope that one day I turn around, she’s there behind me sleeping, I hope that one day I go home from work and she’s there waiting for me in my bed room. I hope we can be together again, because I’d rather live with her through and face the challenges the world will throw at me, bravely face whatever episodes she will have  and comfort her, I’d rather have an unproductive life with you than be sitting down sun bathing in a resort somewhere with someone and live a lie. If its not her then I’d rather be alone. I won’t let go, never. I’d rather be alone if I’m not with her.

I’ve given everything, and I can still give a lot. If she wants me to change anew, then I’ll change. I love her so much. I love her with all my heart, I don’t want to give up. I’d rather be stuck in this kind of torment.

Every Little Thing


Its rainy, even nature shares my mood. I’ve never been OK, never been close to it since last August. I can smile, enjoy the usual routine but every day seems like a new kind of pain. I encounter a new kind of loneliness and emptiness.

You see, people tell me to move on, let it be, I’ll meet new people, new reason to smile. They tell me not to be with someone who they felt will drag me down. Their advice was to be with someone that will take to better heights, and will appreciate all my efforts and all my sacrifices. Maybe they’re right, maybe I should move on, carry on and be happy again. Yet, I find myself longing for her everyday, every hour, every minute, every second more.

One day I told them, I never asked for recognition for all those things, I never asked for anything in return just love and may be a bit of loyalty. That’s all I asked for her. That’s all, nothing more. She’s the woman that I love. If I loose her forever then I’d rather be alone for eternity. I am convinced that she’s the woman for me. If I ever get a chance to relive my life a million times then, I’ll find her through heaven or hell in every million lives that will be given to me. I will endure pain, death, war, pestilence, a zombie apocalypse, an alien invasion just to find her. There is no force that stop me from loving her.

The Dream that Made Me Cry

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Where do I start? I don’t even know where. I can’t even find the words, find the right things to say. I wonder as I stare into a bleak horizon, and ask myself, will I even find the right words. My thoughts are clouded, yet all I can do is wait. I’ve suffered too much, while the other wined and dined in happiness. In pain, I’ve lost myself again. In anguish I’ve lost my will. I don’t know where to find myself.

As I sat here alone, restless and may be helpless. I find myself thinking of her. I find myself thinking of her. I find myself longing for her. I find myself dreaming of her. I did dreamt of her. I did, yes I did. I remember rushing down the stairs not minding how steep they are, not minding the harm it could cause me, and as I finally took my last step I saw her waiting, smiling at me, she was sitting at our wooden sofa, around her was a half dozen throw pillows in different shades or brown. She was wearing a blue dress, the one she wore when we attended a friend’s wedding. I slowly approached her, she stood up, again smiling, she walked towards me, and I noticed she was a bit taller, wearing that shoes that made her an inch and a half taller. I hugged her, told her how beautiful she is and hugged her even more. Then I woke up punching my bed, punching my wall. I woke up crying. I woke up a broken man. I woke up empty, wishing I never woke up, wishing I stayed in that state. I was happy. I was complete. It was taken from me, I had her in my arms, I had her again.

Sometimes I find myself stuck, stuck here in my room thinking of how things could have been different. I sometimes blame myself for all the crap that I’m in and why I’m lost and broken. Even my will is sapped, my confidence broken, I don’t even know what to do, do I wait? Do I make a stand and take action? I guess I have to reflect.

On A Pale Moonlight


Door to Nowhere by Ben Folds Photography


Remember the feeling of being, well helpless I guess. Trying to find answers to questions you cannot answer. Sometimes its not even questions, you find yourself uncertain. Uncertain on how the events can unfold.

The future can be a paradox, a mystery, a riddle and a locked door while old Fate is standing right in the corner dangling the keys to that door. Sometimes the outcome can suck, sometimes its not, it depends on how you play it. Sometimes you have to break in order get the outcome that you want. Nothing to do but follow through, journey begins whatever the outcome is. But then again most of us would find a way to turn things around.

Its also normal, I guess to cower in fear, in fear of everything falling apart. Maybe Fate can be the darkness, the thunder, that comes from hell and pull you under. I may end up going home, drunk, broken, perhaps you happen to fall of a gutter, smack my head so hard it bled, or just plain stinky while listening to Behind Blue Eyes. I am afraid, I am afraid to dance with the devil in a pale moon light. I guess there’s nothing wrong if I cower, I’d be spared in perhaps the biggest torment in my life. I also think asking Fate to open the door might set me free. I guess, I have to……

You can visit Ben Folds Photography here. link

Reading Empty Pages

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Picture belongs to Pezibear of


Things, well no not things, maybe it is things. So things have not been well, months long (amateur) writer’s block and a lot of other things have happened. I guess things have not been working to me, or whatever. I don’t know shit happens, but this is a different kind of shit, a much smellier pile, putrid, disgusting and absolutely hideous.

Somehow I can’t even see the sun in the sky, the birds in the trees, hear the music that plays on the radio, and a lot of other things. For me those were just images, sounds, animation or I can just write it up to imagination. My mind is blank, in shock maybe as I try to recall things that got me stranded here, at this very moment, a place where the sun doesn’t shine, a place where there are no birds and even music. Darkness once again managed to creep behind me, tapped my shoulder and punched me in the face. It sucks, and of course admittedly partly I am to blame for this, just one innocent fuck up that brought the whole stack crumbling.

I’m just man, only human, I make mistakes but given a chance I bounce back. I’m just a common man, not a superhero. To quote a song from Poets of the Fall all I wanted to do right now is, “sail into the storm, with the waves rushing over to take us (or in this case me), battle against the tide, she was the beacon of my salvation and my starlight.”

I pray that one day, I can now hear even the cries of dolphins, gaze into the light and be hypnotized in her gaze. One day. Its all up to me. I guess.

The Undertaker’s Last Bow?


Could this be The Undertaker’s final salute?


There aren’t enough words to describe how surreal it is to watch the Undertaker perform in the ring. I remember watching the Undertaker when the Smackdown! brand led by Dave Batista and Booker T held a 2 day show here in the Philippines. I was there to watch two men, the late Chris Benoit (who battled with Chavo Guerrero that night) and of course the Undertaker, who at that time engaged in a bitter feud with Mr. Kennedy. Watching his entrance from the cheap seats was spine chilling. Undertaker won of course and that night he saved Batista from a beat down by Booker T, Fit Finlay and William Regal.

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The Undertaker through the years.

Fast forward to about 11 years later, he was still performing by this time he had been with the WWE for 26 years. In the world of theatrics and entertainment such as pro wrestling, lasting for 26 years in one company is amazing. Who would have thought that a gimmick that started out as an indestructible zombie or western mortician turned out to be one of the most captivating characters in wrestling history?

The Undertaker, real name Mark William Calaway made his professional wrestling debut in 1984 as Mean Mark Callous, he wrestled in World Class Championship Wrestling, New Japan Pro Wrestling and World Championship Wrestling before ending up with the World Wrestling Federation (now known as the WWE). He made his WWE debut on the 1991 Survivor Series PPV, teaming up with the villainous Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase’s Million Dollar Team against Dusty Rhode’s The Dream Team. Little did we know that this silly gimmick would be a staple in Professional Wrestling.

From that point on, the Undertaker (or Taker) won several WWE Titles, Tag Titles and feuded with the likes of Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts, Yokozuna, Kamala, King Kong Bundy, Giant Gonzales, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Mankind, CM Punk, Kurt Angle, Diamond Dallas Page, his storyline brother Kane, John Cena and Brock Lesnar to name a few. He also participated in a lot of gimmick matches such as the Biker Chain Match, the Hell in a Cell, Steel Cage Match, Hell in the Cell, Ladder Match, Casket Match and the Buried Alive Match.

Through the years, Taker kept the gimmick interesting by adding character depth and some weird ass powers such as conjuring fire, lightning, rising from the dead, teleportation and the power to manipulate or posses someone. Beyond all those silly powers, and different gimmick types or appearances of the Undertaker showed up, we can always count that his matches were very good or amazing. His ability to create drama in the ring, provided fans of this ‘scripted’ spectacle a breathtaking experience. Undertaker was simply amazing in the ring.

Then there was WrestleMania (or Mania), WWE’s premier event. Undertaker provided a lot of memories during Mania. His matches are often the highlight of the night. For most of us wrestling fans, we always look forward to Mania, even if the match card isn’t Mania worthy. The reason we tune in to Mania every year is because of ‘The Streak’. ‘The Streak’ is defined as the Undertaker’s 21 straight victories at WrestleMania if you’re interested then here are his WrestleMania victims.

1. ‘Superfly’ Jimmy Snuka (Mania 7)
2. Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts (Mania 8)
3. Giant Gonzales (Mania 9)
4. King Kong Bundy (Mania 11)
5. Kevin Nash (Mania 12)
6. Psycho Sid (Mania 13, for the WWE Title)*
7. Kane (Mania 14 and Mania 20)
8. Big Boss Man (Mania 15, Hell in a Cell)
9. Triple H (Mania 17, Mania 27 and a Hell in a Cell match at Mania 28)
10. Ric Flair (Mania 18)
11. Big Show and A-Train (Mania 19, Handicap Match)
12. Randy Orton (Mania 21)
13. Mark Henry (Mania 22)
14. Dave Batista (Mania 23 for the World Heavyweight Title)
15. Edge (Mania 24 for the World Heavyweight Title)
16. Shawn Michaels (Mania 25 and Mania 26)
17. CM Punk (Mania 29)

* – The streak was first mentioned

The streak lasted for 21 straight victories which surprisingly ended at Mania 30 against Brock Lesnar. I remember that match, I was in shock, I always thought that Taker would retire undefeated at Mania and that will be his legacy. It was taken away by WWE matchmakers, suddenly Mania was never the same without the Streak.

On April 3rd (April 2nd in the States), Undertaker lost for only the 2nd time in Mania, his once immaculate record of 21-0 now stood at 23-2. After getting speared for the nth time, he jobbed to up and comer Roman Reigns. After the match he left his MMA gloves, his cowboy hat and trenchcoat in the middle of the ring. He broke character and kissed his wife at ringside (he still plays a zombie with dark powers), and perhaps waved his final goodbye to the fans.

At this moment, it was hard for me to write about a man who I grew up watching, whose career was part of my childhood much like those 6 NBA Championship won by the Bulls. Undertaker is like my guest every night when he wrestles or cuts a promo or something. He was WWE’s Icon, their poster boy and their heart and soul.  I always remember those matches, the feud, the silly angle, the time you (almost) married Stephanie McMahon because you’re playing a Satan Worshipper, the Higher Power storyline, your run as the Biker Undertaker, the streak and your whole career. Thank you Undertaker, if this was the last match then I’m glad it ended at WrestleMania.