Colder Than The Winter

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This another obligatory write up, well I guess its not only an obligation for me to write something this time, but this is more of me trying to distract myself from celebrating my birthday apart from well her. First off, I never experienced winter, there’s no winter here in this part. I’m basing the coldness of winter on how my Canadian ex-girlfriend described it to me and how I see it in the news.

I recently watched a youtube video about how fans stop cheering for our favorite teams (especially if you’re a bandwagon fan), most of the people in the panel were either loyal fans of their favorite local sports team or player fans. During their discussion, Suzy, a lady in the video said that being a fan is a thankless job, its thankless because you have to endure heartaches, frustrations and defeat night in and night out, and to make matters worse is the fact that you still love them and show up live on the arena to cheer them or wake up early to watch them on the television. I guess the same can be said when you’re in a relationship, whether your the man, woman, or a life partner, you have to keep up with your partner’s shortcomings, temper, adjusting to his/her lifestyle, listen to whenever the don’t make sense, make great sacrifices to the point you gave up an interview of a lifetime and stay at a job that you don’t like  etc.

Welcome to my life, I was called immature and she still wouldn’t listen on whatever defense I say. I just wanted to tell her, if I was immature then I would have left her alone in that company, I won’t force myself to drag my sorry ass to work unhappy and unmotivated, and I’m still immature because of my comic books and stuff. I love her still I do, even after what she said.

As I write this I play music on Spotify as the music of The Verve’s Freshmen, Maybe Tomorrow by Stereophonics, Ben Folds Five’s Magic, Glycerin by Bush etc. I want to drown my blues away with the music that reminds me of simple days, I was unaware of what relationships are, and how hard it is to be with someone who is suffering from mental illness. I still love her. I love her very much.

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A Year Later

Its been a while since I wrote something, my mind is a little bit woozy or should I say in disarray. I admit I haven’t recovered from the events of the past year, the pain is still there, lingering, haunting me and bothering me.

I tried counselling, I tried ignoring it, but every damn time it just gives me more pain and suffering. Heck, I’ve shown signs of depression, the only thing that keeps me sane or intact is the hope that we’ll be together again, and I pray every single day and I ask God that it happens. I’ll wait no matter how long it takes, no matter how painful it takes and how hard it takes.

 

Christmas Did Not Come For Me

Just read a blog, her blog to be exact, well I guess you better read the rest, because there is no need for me to discuss everything that is written. We have a different way of dealing I guess, for me its nothing but emptiness.

For the first time in what I say years, I’m unhappy this Christmas, better yet 2017 has been a nightmare for me. Staying a job that I don’t like, and this being apart and her not listening. I guess she still believes that I don’t have a goal in life, I don’t aspire to be someone who can be successful professionally. Its hard especially for me in the early parts of 2017 when you’re stuck in a hell hole called my previous job. Some colleagues are dicks, management seems confused on some policies and they even threatened my position with the company just because I follow what is written in our guidelines. Why I didn’t leave if you may ask, because I was hesitant to leave her, I don’t want to leave her there. Hell, I had an interview to a job that I want but in the end I flushed it down the drain because I felt that she never supported me, she even called me a coward if I left. Heck, I tried applying to another job behind her back during our days off when I sensed that she’s so stressed out and struggling to keep her sanity in tact. I asked her to leave, give it up, the company is giving her a hard time, some of our colleagues are stressing her out. When I started getting offers I begged her to leave, she never wanted to leave. Once again I was called a coward, as my dreams shatter right before my eyes I stayed with her, I stayed with a bitter feeling, I stayed while dragging my body to work, willing myself to work, I wanted to give up, but I didn’t. I am no coward, I have dreams too, shattered, destroyed, I pick up the pieces and now this.

My dreams are gone, for now, I guess I can always dream again, reach for the stars. It all came tumbling down last August, as she blamed for everything. She does that every episode. I’m sorry if you’re reading this but I’m just frustrated that you failed to see how much I’ve given up, that at times I’m clinging to whatever’s left, my sanity, my soul, my body even time. You can blow off all money I don’t care, you can sell my valuable collections of comics and some action figures for a penny or for a fortune and spend it to buy a new dress, I don’t fucking care, as long as it makes you happy. Here I am a stupid idiot praying and hoping that you see how much I gave up, how much sacrificed, and you dare call me a nobody, a guy who can’t dream, who has no goals in life. Well you’re wrong! You’re bestfriend is wrong, you’re wrong! Because I GAVE UP MY DREAM, MY GOAL FOR YOU! You don’t know that because I didn’t tell you, or you just don’t appreciate what I did.

Again I am an idiot, I still love you, and again I’d rather be alone for the rest of life rather than live a lie with someone!

Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you’re Christmas is not a shitty, pathetic, crappy, full of suffering, empty, and all other bad ways to describe it. Because I’d rather have a Sith lord stick his/her light saber up my ass, while munching on rotten monkey vomit.

I love you Clarisse and I’m not gonna get used to this.

Holiday Torment

Its a cold day, this time brings a different kind of weather. Its Christmas time, a time of optimism and joy. A time where we can smile and be happy. A time of hope, a time of peace, love and caring. But somehow I cannot feel the spirit of it. This is the first time I can’t even feel it. For the first time in maybe years or ever, I am not looking forward to it.

I wake up everyday with a heavy heart. Every time I open my eyes I feel like its torture, torture that I have to go through all the pain, all day and its not easy. Its not easy, going through the motions, pretending I’m OK but I’m really not. I sometimes find myself sitting somewhere just staring at something but seeing nothing but complete emptiness, even with colorful Christmas decorations and music blaring over loud speakers I still see emptiness. I’m broken, I’m in shambles, forgotten, unappreciated. I guess if you’ve been reading my blog then you know what I’m talking about. Its been like this for the past few months.

I never got a chance to talk to her face to face, we just exchanged messages, somehow she still blames me for her episodes, she blames me for a lot of things and I cannot get my point across, she wouldn’t listen she wouldn’t even give a fuck’s ass whenever I tried to explain things. She wouldn’t listen, mind’s made up. She did blame me for everything, every negative things I’ve done resurfaced without considering how much I’ve given up, how much I sacrificed, never had a chance to say all those things, as if I haven’t done anything positive. It was a whole new level of torment, a torment that eats me away, bothers me, a pain that continues to thrive whenever I wake in the morning.  The kind of torment that makes me wish I never wake up. The kind of pain that I wish she killed me, because I’d rather die than experience all this pain.

People would tell me to give it up, but I’m holding on to whatever hope that is left. No matter how big or small, even a tiny speck of hope is what keeps me sane. If I lose all that then what would life be for me. I hope that one day I turn around, she’s there behind me sleeping, I hope that one day I go home from work and she’s there waiting for me in my bed room. I hope we can be together again, because I’d rather live with her through and face the challenges the world will throw at me, bravely face whatever episodes she will have  and comfort her, I’d rather have an unproductive life with you than be sitting down sun bathing in a resort somewhere with someone and live a lie. If its not her then I’d rather be alone. I won’t let go, never. I’d rather be alone if I’m not with her.

I’ve given everything, and I can still give a lot. If she wants me to change anew, then I’ll change. I love her so much. I love her with all my heart, I don’t want to give up. I’d rather be stuck in this kind of torment.

Every Little Thing

 

Its rainy, even nature shares my mood. I’ve never been OK, never been close to it since last August. I can smile, enjoy the usual routine but every day seems like a new kind of pain. I encounter a new kind of loneliness and emptiness.

You see, people tell me to move on, let it be, I’ll meet new people, new reason to smile. They tell me not to be with someone who they felt will drag me down. Their advice was to be with someone that will take to better heights, and will appreciate all my efforts and all my sacrifices. Maybe they’re right, maybe I should move on, carry on and be happy again. Yet, I find myself longing for her everyday, every hour, every minute, every second more.

One day I told them, I never asked for recognition for all those things, I never asked for anything in return just love and may be a bit of loyalty. That’s all I asked for her. That’s all, nothing more. She’s the woman that I love. If I loose her forever then I’d rather be alone for eternity. I am convinced that she’s the woman for me. If I ever get a chance to relive my life a million times then, I’ll find her through heaven or hell in every million lives that will be given to me. I will endure pain, death, war, pestilence, a zombie apocalypse, an alien invasion just to find her. There is no force that stop me from loving her.

The Dream that Made Me Cry

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Where do I start? I don’t even know where. I can’t even find the words, find the right things to say. I wonder as I stare into a bleak horizon, and ask myself, will I even find the right words. My thoughts are clouded, yet all I can do is wait. I’ve suffered too much, while the other wined and dined in happiness. In pain, I’ve lost myself again. In anguish I’ve lost my will. I don’t know where to find myself.

As I sat here alone, restless and may be helpless. I find myself thinking of her. I find myself thinking of her. I find myself longing for her. I find myself dreaming of her. I did dreamt of her. I did, yes I did. I remember rushing down the stairs not minding how steep they are, not minding the harm it could cause me, and as I finally took my last step I saw her waiting, smiling at me, she was sitting at our wooden sofa, around her was a half dozen throw pillows in different shades or brown. She was wearing a blue dress, the one she wore when we attended a friend’s wedding. I slowly approached her, she stood up, again smiling, she walked towards me, and I noticed she was a bit taller, wearing that shoes that made her an inch and a half taller. I hugged her, told her how beautiful she is and hugged her even more. Then I woke up punching my bed, punching my wall. I woke up crying. I woke up a broken man. I woke up empty, wishing I never woke up, wishing I stayed in that state. I was happy. I was complete. It was taken from me, I had her in my arms, I had her again.

Sometimes I find myself stuck, stuck here in my room thinking of how things could have been different. I sometimes blame myself for all the crap that I’m in and why I’m lost and broken. Even my will is sapped, my confidence broken, I don’t even know what to do, do I wait? Do I make a stand and take action? I guess I have to reflect.

On A Pale Moonlight

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Door to Nowhere by Ben Folds Photography

 

Remember the feeling of being, well helpless I guess. Trying to find answers to questions you cannot answer. Sometimes its not even questions, you find yourself uncertain. Uncertain on how the events can unfold.

The future can be a paradox, a mystery, a riddle and a locked door while old Fate is standing right in the corner dangling the keys to that door. Sometimes the outcome can suck, sometimes its not, it depends on how you play it. Sometimes you have to break in order get the outcome that you want. Nothing to do but follow through, journey begins whatever the outcome is. But then again most of us would find a way to turn things around.

Its also normal, I guess to cower in fear, in fear of everything falling apart. Maybe Fate can be the darkness, the thunder, that comes from hell and pull you under. I may end up going home, drunk, broken, perhaps you happen to fall of a gutter, smack my head so hard it bled, or just plain stinky while listening to Behind Blue Eyes. I am afraid, I am afraid to dance with the devil in a pale moon light. I guess there’s nothing wrong if I cower, I’d be spared in perhaps the biggest torment in my life. I also think asking Fate to open the door might set me free. I guess, I have to……

You can visit Ben Folds Photography here. link